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Speaking of “over twenty years ago”, I’m sure Steven Spielberg will call to demand a take-back when this post lands in his RSS feed.
After all, mockery of our actions should have an expiration date.
I say that knowing full well that the unfounded rumors about Richard Gere and the gerbil still persist after thirty years, even though they aren’t the reason he was blackballed from Hollywood.
Now that I’ve put you on the edge, let’s get to it.
As I understand it, Spielberg applied some custom modifications to E.T. when the movie hit its 20th anniversary. Most notably, he removed the weaponry from the cops who were trying to stop Elliott from flying off on his bike into an Amblin logo.
Instead of stopping the runaway kid and his pet alien with a hellfire of hot lead, the cops were given walkie-talkies to…
Yeah, I don’t know how a walkie-talkie would be used to neutralize a flying Schwinn.
What I do know is that James Cameron didn’t follow suit for the 20th anniversary of Aliens a few years later.
This all came to mind the other day when I went to the range to hone my skills with my own wireless communication device(s).
Among the targets to choose from was a selection featuring the silhouette of a creature not found here in the lower forty-eight, or even on this planet.
Feeling adventurous, I opted for shooting at aliens instead of terrorists, masked thugs, and colorful representations of the human anatomy.
“That target is for use in the Spielberg Institute for Tactical Communications and Indoor Ballistics bay.” The gentlemen behind the counter was wearing a shirt with the Sig Sauer logo.
“Huh?”
“Steven Spielberg donated a bunch of money to dedicate a whole bay of lanes to the use of tactical walkie-talkies.” A button on the man’s shirt spontaneously exploded.
“So I can’t shoot at the aliens?” I asked.
“You can, just not with anything protected by the Second Amendment. You have to use a walkie-talkie.”
“So we’re talking about a First Amendment protection instead?”
Moments later, I was standing at the table on aisle 3 in the Spielberg Institute for Tactical Communications and Indoor Ballistics.
There was a board on the wall of each aisle which outlined the four rules of walkie-talkie safety:
- Treat every walkie-talkie as if it’s transmitting.
- Never point the antenna at anything you’re not willing to contact.
- Keep your finger off the button until you’re ready to say something intelligent.
- Be sure of your target and who might be listening.
There were no spent shell casings littering the floor.
There was no smell of gun powder in the air.
There was no metallic tang at the back of my throat.
The only noise was that of myself and others in the bay laying down a First Amendment assault through rented radios, and the faint crackle that maybe something was on the line.
