The Dispatch of Left Eye Squinty

I sit here post-epiphany in my blue walled StudyTorium ensconced in the nostalgic flotsam and jetsam of my youth while imbibing a cherry flavored Diet Dr. Pepper.


Hang on, I gotta pee.


*pause for effect*


I’m not going to mince words with today’s eye catching, attention grabbing salvo of verbal brilliance.


There won’t be any poignant ponderances about how sometimes you just gotta [insert something witty right here].


There won’t be any crafty elevator sales pitches to reel you in before you can even figure out what in tarnation you’re doing here in the first place.  In all reality, there is one.  If you aren’t aware of it, then chalk one up to me for sneaking it in there.


I’m just going to come out and say it.


Left Eye Squinty is gone.


Good riddance.


For those of you who don’t know what I’m babbling about, or just can’t remember, allow me to bring you up to speed with a quick timeline of events involving Left Eye Squinty and my vision in general.


1978 – Your favorite blogger on the whole worldwide internet is deemed to be tragically lacking in the physical ability to focus.  Glasses are prescribed.  The left eye is worser than the right one, and always look bigger from the outside looking in when the glasses are on.


1982 – Said blogger converts to contacts.


1987 – 1997 – Aforementioned and previously said blogger tends to alternate back and forth between glasses and contacts.


1998 – Blogger discovers the wonder of disposable contacts, and can’t understand why they weren’t available 20 years ago.


2011 – The problem with having bad vision is that contacts correct the problem better than the glasses do.  After relying too heavily on the contacts and wearing them for too many hours a day, issues present themselves in my left eye.  “Your cornea looks pretty messed up.” is what the optometrist said.  Subsequent trips to the ophthalmologist ensued which generally left me out of contacts for a few months while my eyes healed.  Once the issue was resolved, I was dispensed with orders to take it easy with the contacts and put the glasses on once or twice a week.


2012 – I obtained a pair of new glasses with progressive bifocal lenses in them.  I hate them.


June, 2017 – The decision to dispense with multi-focal contact lenses is made.  Going forward, I’ll wear contacts for my far-sighted vision issues and add reading glasses when necessary.


October, 2017 – Dagnabbit, the issue with my left eye has resurfaced.


It was bound to happen.  I hated those stupid prescription glasses because I couldn’t get used to them.  Since I couldn’t get used to them, I didn’t wear them a whole lot.  Since I didn’t wear them a whole lot, I wore my contacts more and more hours in a day.


This time, the trip to the ophthalmologist was different.  I went to the same outfit, however the doctor I had seen 6 years before had retired.  I was subsequently assigned to the one of the newer doctors that day I darkened the door.


Quick side note.  You know you’re getting old when you encounter a doctor who is considerably younger than you.


Over the next two months, we treated the eye with the appropriate pharmaceuticals and a breathtaking absence of contact lenses.  Big picture, I had to get used to the damned bifocals if I was going to see.  It took a few weeks, but it finally happened.


Once all was well and I was significantly admonished that contact lenses had deprived my eyes of oxygen and would continue to do so, I brought up the subject I’ve been discussing with the optometrist for the last several years.  I already knew that all of the well-known vision correction surgeries that you hear about are tailored for the myopic among us.  I knew I wasn’t a candidate for that type of surgery.


Thank God for young doctors and their knowledge of the latest and greatest.


The latest and greatest being cataract surgery.


That’s right people.  A procedure which has been around for years will help me see better.


The first surgery took place this last MLK day.  The next morning, when the bandage came off of Left Eye Squinty, it tested 20/20.


Since then, I’ve been walking and driving around without any vision correction.  I have to use reading glasses, but that’s it.  In summary, the young doctor made Left Eye Squinty her bitch.


By the time this dispatch is published, Ole Righty will have undergone the same procedure.


Good Lord in Butter, what am I going to write about now if I don’t have bad vision to bitch about?

Randy Tharp

TharpSter is a husband to one woman, a father to two kids, a master to two dogs, an occasional cubical occupant, and unable to make up his mind on an adequate theme for this website.

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