Well ladies and gentlemen, the year is almost over and what do we have to show for it?
Okay, to be honest, there’s plenty we have to show for it. I got some stuff done this year gosh darn it.
Granted, to review the combined output of this year’s entries here on the most poignant website on the whole worldwide web, one would think I’ve done nothing this year but to bitch and gripe about my vision while absconding with the drummer’s glove at a Night Ranger concert. For what it’s worth, I also started a collection of sleeveless t-shirts featuring patriotic symbolism, began an occasional study of the British monarchy in the 20th century, and developed a second Mandy Pantinkin impression.
For what it’s worth, that thing on studying the British monarchy only involves watching The Crown on Netflix.
By any stretch of the imagination, it doesn’t stop there folks. My creative juices continued to flow throughout the year of 2017. Upon realizing that my twisted imagination works in flashes of brilliance which don’t always take a white knuckled hold in the confines of my skull, I took steps throughout the year to capture and imprison my various ideas within the notes application of my phone for use later on.
Given that it’s the end of the year, I’ve opted to sweep those ideas aside in order to make room for the flashes of brilliance on deck and in the hole for 2018. Some of the ideas actually managed to get fleshed out this last year. Others have been put in the TharpSter Special Reserve for use in grander endeavors. The other ones were amusing little quips which never found their way into anything but a retrospective of the last 12 month. Regardless of what station and effacement they hold at this point, I’ve opted to publish all of them here for you right now.
- Redefining retarded
- Snake wrangler for hire to take pics with models
- Puffy on tour
- Bathroom bill vs Left handed bill
- He always had that look on his face as if he were trying to scratch his soft pallet with his tongue.
- Would you want me to tell you about spinach in your teeth? Would you want me to tell you your fly is down? You have a booger there.
- The dragon had a secondary asshole which was laden with hemorrhoids.
- Volunteers time reading to the color blind.
- Fake news item – Trump rounds up all GOP congressmen and rips them a new one.
- There’s a squad within the deep state who are charged with assessing the day’s news, thinking outside the box, and just making shit up to keep the pot stirred up.
- WWII vs Boomers vs Gen X vs Millennials
- Rising stars of the DNC and the crimes they will commit
- Driving with Mom and Dad
- More kids wearing helmets acting like they never wore one before.
- At family get-togethers, quite often we would tell the young boys to stop boring the hell out of us with their video game talk. At the same time, all of their mothers would blather ad nauseam about the latest recipes they’ve tried.
- The fake news that beat Hillary was designed to counteract the fake news designed to get her elected.
- The hierarchy of public opinion: 1. Hollywood 2. “Experts” 3. Pundits 4. Common sense
- Today’s easy needle stick
- Terrorists are opening up an auxiliary branch involved in making candles, balloons, teddy bears, and flower bouquets. These are profit centers from the vigils that happen after their attacks.
- Reading glasses
- Generating a demand for id protection.
- Trump will be blamed for the shooting for being the source of Trump Derangement Syndrome.
- The caloric decimation
- Cleaning up donkey crap compared to dumping Obamacare.
- Winchester my personal finances manager – story about my money clip.
- Fake news item to change the Hamilton on the $10 bill to Lin Manuel Miranda.
- American efforts to become more socially responsible leads to rise in diagnoses of autism and Asperger’s in our youth.
- Process flow for carbon offsets.
- Why do I need 3 receipts when I pay for a couple of soft drinks with a credit card at the movie theater?
- Why clutter is bad.
- As Bob sat there one morning reading his email, he casually rolled a booger between the fingers of one hand and dug in his ear with the ring finger of his other hand.
- Bobs dream was to open a rescue shelter for dogs and call it “The Farm Up State”.
- Evidence suggested the Trump campaign colluded with the electorate to defeat Hillary.
- A couch, a moving truck, a rearranged house, and an insurance claim.
- PC expectant parents demand their doc not call out the sex of the baby when it’s born. Explore the gender reveal party too.
- MTV VMA seem to be no longer necessary. MTV giving out awards for the best videos of the year is like CNN giving out awards for excellences in Journalism.
- That time I met the governor.
- The great gas shortage of 08/31/2017.
- How do seedless watermelon reproduce
- Scariest clown
- Prison reform involves dads staying around to father their kids. Long term, fewer people go to prison.
- Daily eye drops that you apply to correct your vision. They replace contact lenses. The side effects are persistent itching and sluffing of skin from the scrotums of cisgender males and outspoken lesbian comics. Not that the outspoken lesbian comics had dry skin on their scrotums. Instead, the regular use of the eye drops by the public at large resulted in more of the comics.
- Regarding the harassment claims, it would help for any other parties who declared their guilt to fess up now before they have to respond to allegations.
I’m looking forward to 2018, and the twisted verbal brilliance it will bring.