Ladies and gentlemen, as of this writing the date is January 16, 2016. The latest Star Wars offering has been out nearly a month, and has taken in what I’m guessing to be in the neighborhood of a record setting Powerball payout.
Save for a passing mention of it in my 2016 dispatch of TharpSterLutions, I have yet to discuss it here on what should be your favorite website on the whole (or hole, take your pick) gosh darned internet.
So let’s talk.
For what it’s worth, you can dispense with any concern about me throwing any spoilers your way about The Force Awakens.
If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s a safe assumption you aren’t even here reading this little diatribe, because I don’t really cater to anything that interests you.
*pauses to sip some cinnamon whiskey out of a Star Wars – Clone Wars sippy cup while pondering the Neil Diamond song which just came up on the iPhone. Wonders if Neil Diamond and cinnamon whiskey are appropriate peripheral devices for writing about Star Wars. *
So I have two particular goals with todays soliloquy.
*decides to advance to the next song, right as the Neil Diamond song ends*
First of all, I’m going to throw some thoughts out there about exactly what’s going on in the storyline.
Secondly, I’ll throw some stuff out there which pretty much has to happen in the remaining two movies.
So let’s get to it with what’s going on.
1. Who is Rey? – Rey is the third brunette beauty to show up in the Star Wars universe. The first two we know were related as mother and daughter. At this point, I can’t justify in my mind that Rey would be anyone but Luke’s daughter. If that’s the case, who was Luke knocking the Jedi boots with to generate a tax deduction? There was a character in one of the novels that extended the ole light saber in the last of the Jedi, but I would suggest the miracle of science and the possession of a freshly severed right hand wrapped tightly around a blue bladed light saber (with optional safety shut-off) may have contributed just enough DNA to a proper mixture of gelatinous goo to create the newest hero in this story.
2. How did Rey end up on Jakku? – As she understands and remembers it, Rey was left there for reasons unknown. Following along with my suggestion above that maybe she was born unbeknownst to Luke, I would suggest the same thing happened to Rey that happened to Luke. She was deposited on some wasteland of a planet in order to keep her identity safely anonymous until sometime where it would be necessary to summon her strength with the Force so that she could help to defeat the dark side and all things Jar-Jar.
3. What’s the deal with Max Von Sydow? – On a side note, Max Von Sydow is best know in my mind for two particular roles that he’s played over the years. Those roles would be Jesus, and Ming the Merciless. Now one of the original spoiler bits I watched on Youtube last fall about this movie suggested that ole Ming was running the First Order. Having seen the movie a couple of times, we know that Ming did nothing of the sort. Instead, he was an old ally who used to brunch on Sundays with the Solo clan. Much like Obi-Wan accompanied Luke to Tatooine to watch over him, I think the same thing was happening with Rey. That’s right. Jesus was watching over Rey.
4. What’s with Threepio’s red arm? – Who cares? Seems like it caused the internet to officially freak its shit when images of Golden Tony and his red arm first surfaced. The best bet I could offer is that Kylo Ren cut off the left arm of what is ultimately his golden uncle. Otherwise, I don’t think its origin is remotely crucial to the story at hand.
5. How did Kylo Ren get a hold of Darth Vadar’s mask? – eBay
6. How did Maz end up with Luke’s old light saber? – There’s an old Def Leppard video for the song “Now“ which follows the life and times of a sleeveless Union Jack concert shirt as it changes hands from its original owner in 1983 to several other people over the next 20 years. In the end, the shirt makes its way back to its original owner. I’m thinking the same thing has happened with the light saber, only without so many owners or an autograph from Rick Savage.
7. Could the Millennium Falcon be any cooler? – No
So this is the first in a new trilogy of movies which are planned. There’s been talk about stand alone movies as well which feature the likes of Roque Squadron, Boba Fett, and possibly even Yoda. Aside from those movies, there are some things that pretty much have to happen in the next two films.
1. Supreme leader Snoke and his origins will need to be revealed. Where did he come from? Did he ever deal with Palpatine? My guess is that he’s no bigger or cuter than an Ewok.
2. Kylo Ren will turn to the good side. My guess is that it will be near the end of his life, much like what happened with his grandfather. I’m thinking Leia will be there when it happens.
3. Luke is gonna die y’all. How? Will he do it Obi-Wan style where he sacrifices himself to help further Rey’s training and efficacy? Or will it be a poorly calculated step in the vein of Qui-Gon Jinn that will leave him impaled with a flickering blade like his old buddy Han? Qui-Gon was such a shitty Jedi that I have a hard time believing that Luke’s death would be anything but sacrificial.
4. There’s still hope for Star Wars: Return of the Gold Bikini.
Editor’s note: The original picture that was slated to go here instead of the Ewok above featured a dude at a convention wearing the Leia gold bikini outfit. It was determined at time of the publishing of this article that the only thing we were going to spoil for you today is the ending of the latest Star Wars film and potentially the next few. We would rather do that than spoil your gastronomical integrity with what has to be one of the ugliest representations of that particular (and brilliant, we might add) costume.