I’m Not Alright

Chalk this one up as yet another sign that yours truly will eventually go nuts.

Gary Busey and Adam West, if you’re reading this, well….

Yeah, I got nothin’.

One of the things that I’ve said for years is that you should act like you’ve lost your mind on a regular basis. That way, when your mental faculties decide to pack up shop and go open a beach front bar somewhere in the Caribbean without you, no one will notice that things just aren’t right anymore.

For the record, when I say the word “Caribbean”, I stress the second syllable, not the third.

All dressed up
In a white straightjacket

I’m pretty sure I’ve discussed this before, but I’m just one professional diagnosis short of being somewhere between borderline and bona fide obsessive compulsive. I know this based on the age old duck analogy. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then well…..

Once again, I’m offering a shout out to Gary and Adam here.

I like to stare at the sun
And think about what I’ve done

Of course I have the classic symptoms. I check my alarm probably five or six times a night prior to getting comfortable enough to go to sleep. I double check locks a few times. I strongly believe in “a place for everything and everything in it’s place” to the point of inspiring board meetings around the domain here which don’t require or appreciate my presence.

Certainly those are the generic symptoms.

But then, there’s the chant. Most of the time it’s silent and to myself, however sometimes I utter the words out loud.

As you may know, I’m a Business Analyst in the financial services industry where I spend banker’s hours in a cubicle, or a fabric covered sensory deprivation chamber, if you will. In my roll, I have a plethora of systems available for me to use in order to analyze the business. Naturally, I have an equally large plethora of sign-ons and passwords to access the systems which allow me to analyze the business.

Now I know what you’re thinking right now. You’re wondering if I know what a “plethora” is. I’ll have you know that for the longest time, I thought the word was Spanish. I have El Guapo to thank for that.

Anyway, anytime I sit down at my computer at work upon arriving in the morning, or returning from a trip to the restroom as a result of either consuming high water content fruit, or drinking my citrus flavored green tea, or drinking my water, I have to summon a network password from the confines of my skull in order to get back to work analyzing the business.

Each and every time, without fail, I look up to the parabolically shaped dropped tile ceiling (as if the password is written up there) and I chant a series of words. “Yoda, Faith, Monkey, Dookie”. The password then comes to me and I get back to work analyzing the business.

I like crossing the line
And slowly losing my mind

I know what you’re thinking right now. You thought “plethora” was a Spanish word too, didn’t you?

Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know why I do that. I don’t know when I started doing that. I don’t know why I chant those particular words. To my recollection, I’ve never used any of them as a password.

Yet still, that is the trigger phrase which helps me access the network so that I can do that analyzing thing.

Maybe it’s me
I’m just crazy
Maybe I like that I’m not alright

Regardless, the process works.  As long as it does, I’ll continue to feed my devices.  In the meantime, if you don’t recognize the song lyrics salted throughout this piece, feel free to enjoy the entire song in a fan made video featuring the lovely and talented Scarlett Johansson in skin tight attire and loaded for bear (or bare).  The band is Shinedown.  You should check out a whole buncha their other songs too.

Randy Tharp

TharpSter is a husband to one woman, a father to two kids, a master to two dogs, an occasional cubical occupant, and unable to make up his mind on an adequate theme for this website.

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