As Dictated To Siri

Last year while I was battling the less than palatable presence of Left Eye Squinty as presented  by a corneal edema, the doctor who treated me was firmly ensconced in the 21st century and all of it’s amenities.


Instead of scribbling his notes about my predicament into my file or dictating them into some sort of micro cassette recorder, he had a headset hooked up to a PC there in the exam room, and would use Dragon Dictation as a scribe of that particular chapter in my life.


The program must have worked sufficiently, as he only had to correct it a few times in order to get the wording just right.  I think he only had to repeat the statement “this man’s vision is all jacked up” twice before the computer recorded it correctly.


Fast forward a year and Left Eye Squinty is nothing but a casual reference point among my unindicted co-conspirators and an occasional mention on a smart ass blog.


Yay prescription eye drops and antibiotics!


Anyway, while working out at the gym tonight and trying to position my groin stretch so as to avoid revealing my taint, it occurred to me that I should try dictating a blog instead of typing it up.


It also occurred to me that perhaps the term “gooch” is more clinical of a term than “taint” is.


None the less, I made the decision right then to commit today’s blog to my phone via the spoken word.  Using my blue tooth device, I hit the magic microphone button on the phone, and began to orate my verbal brilliance while driving home.  The following text is the unedited product of what I had to say:



The first or blog has dictated by Siri will ladies and gentlemen tonight I’m going to be dictating my entire blog via Siri on every since I’ve had the first or four ass iPad I’ll catch up problems with voice dial where it doesn’t even recognize wifey’s name home I decided just to find out how much more doesn’t recognize just by dictating my entire blog saw to be good and I’m sure that once you read it it will be completely out of context number comes a point in every man’s life when you’re out there working out really hard you’re doing a 30 minute workout to circuit training warrior you’re going from the lake machines to the pharmacy and when you’re doing the stuff workout you really just being hard just to lose a pound or two were split up consult the biggest one you have in mind is whether you can find a point within your workout hidden somewhere and I probably champs action workout that went



If you only knew what I had really said, the mere fact that I used the terms “taint” and “gooch” wouldn’t be so shocking to you at this point.
It’s really quite amusing to know that Hollywood powerhouses like Samuel L. Jackson (recently seen in a movie featuring the lovely and talented Scarlett Johansson in skin tight attire and loaded for bear (or bare, take your pick)) and John Malkovich can talk to Siri on their iPhone 4s with the greatest of ease without having to repeat themselves or correct the electronic equivalent of wax in Siri’s ear.  At the same time, Siri on my phone has been instructed to call me “TharpSter”, and she picks up my use of the same term as “The first or”.


There was an episode of The Big Bang Theory this last season where Raj fell in love with Siri.  She was portrayed by a tall beautiful redhead at one point in a fantasy.


I don’t know.  I just can’t envision that same sight for the Siri running my phone.

Randy Tharp

TharpSter is a husband to one woman, a father to two kids, a master to two dogs, an occasional cubical occupant, and unable to make up his mind on an adequate theme for this website.

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