Bagging It

Today, the city of Austin, Texas passed a ban on paper and plastic bags.

 

It should come as no surprise that Austin (a paradigm for goofy ass progressive cities with way too much time on it’s hands) has made public the fact that it’s completely lost it’s mind and ability for critical thought by inserting itself into the life of it’s grocery shopping populace under the noble banner of a hoax.

 

Whata buncha Streep.

 

What if we wander into an Austin Piggly Wiggly with a collection of gallon sized Ziploc bags in which to carry our groceries out?  Does the ban apply to that approach?

 

What about ugly people and their sexual habits?

 

You’ve heard of a three bagger haven’t you?  Does the ban apply to those people too?

 

What about the mafia hit men who choose to asphyxiate their victims?  Do they have to use the cloth (or hemp) bags in those cases?

 

Dog poop!

 

Responsible people whose pooches poop during their walk pick up the product with a plastic bag.  What now?  Do they use the cloth bag or just let nature take care of the poop?

 

One would think the proggies (a term for “progressive” that I read somewhere once) would be all for leaving an act of nature on the ground.  It’s all alimentary you know.

 

Bags of flaming dog poop!

 

What about that?

 

It’s just not as funny to see someone stamping out a flame laden cloth bag thrown at their doorstep.

 

What about dead bodies?  If one appears in Austin (they’re bound to eventually), will it have to go into a cloth bag too?  I’ve seen CSI.  Those things are plastic.

 

Between the demands put on us by government to buy certain light bulbs, bags, school lunches, and healthcare, it’s just a matter of time before we’ll be told to attach toilet paper to the dispenser in a manner where it comes over the roll instead of from behind.

Randy Tharp

TharpSter is a husband to one woman, a father to two kids, a master to two dogs, an occasional cubical occupant, and unable to make up his mind on an adequate theme for this website.

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