The Royal Scar!

 

Note from the desk of TharpSter:  Quite often, friends, acquaintances, and frenemies alike launch peppered assaults at yours truly with all sorts of ideas of what I should write about.  To this point, I have yet to successfully act on the suggestion, because my ego dictates I write only about the sick and twisted material that goes through my own head, not that of others.  Speaking of sick and twisted, one of the aforementioned people threw a topic at me the other day.  It was pretty much along the lines of how one can get winded during an extraordinarily challenging bowel movement.  Surprisingly enough, I passed.  Even more surprising was the fact that he planted another suggestion complete with full text and pictures in my mailbox this morning.

With that, I give you the first guest blogger of TharpSter.Org, The Irish Hand Grenade.

Recent pictures of the Kate Middleton, the newly minted Duchess of York and wife of Prince William, have caused rampant speculation as to the cause of the scar near her left temple (see image). The tabloids and society pages have been working in overdrive to get more details.

In order to quell speculation the royal crown has released an official statement that the scar is a result of a surgery in the Princesses youth. No further details were provided. While this did initially tamp down the coverage from the entertainment and tabloid news media, it appears old school British journalism has resulted in the real story.

The royal crown has decried the speculation and invasive press coverage, however this appears to be in attempts to cover up another royal scandal. The royal times of London newspaper has revealed the true origin of the surgery and royal cover up through two separate government sources. The unnamed government sources come separately from her Majesty’s Secret Service and her Majesty’s Royal Health Services.

The scar is indeed from a surgery in Middleton’s past, but it was at the age of 13.  However this was not the result of an accident or illness. A device was implanted in Kate’s lower cerebellum near the pleasure center receptors of the brain. The device controls the release of endorphins to trigger this portion of the brain. Why was this device implanted, and how is it controlled? Before we get to that answer, we must go to the original source of this clandestine effort.

The Crown of course has become a largely ceremonial function meant to drive tourism to England’s shores.  Sharply aware of their limited significance, Queen Elizabeth’s Father, and then the queen herself have become sharply aware of the importance of first the radio, and then of course television. This meant the Royals needed to put forward their best appearance, and Prince Charles was not up to the Queens new Royal vision. Her solution actually lead to her greatest source of angst, Princess Diana.

A similar device was also implanted in Princess Diana, although much more care was taken to cover up her scar. Whenever she was in front of Prince Charles, a remote control was used to activate the device. The thought being if this was repeated enough, she would fall in love with the Prince despite his appearance. Whenever she was in the presence of Prince Charles, the device and subsequently her pleasure center were triggered. While the initial phase of the plan worked, the odd looking Prince was able to marry the quite spectacular looking Diana. The Queens plan was the offspring of the loathsome Charles would be countered with the beauty of Diana to improve the royal line.

However the queens plan had a flaw, it relied on a remote control used by the secret service agents assigned to the plan to trigger the device.  They of course could not always be around, and Diana soon grew to detest Prince Charles. This of course led to the famous divorce of the royal pair.

Looking at Prince William and his resemblance to his father, the queen realized another generation of this plan was needed. But a solution was needed to avoid another scandalous divorce. The solution was a revised version of the plan. Kate was implanted with the same device as Diana. But instead of relying on agents to activate the device, William was also given a surgery. The remote triggering device was implanted in William. Evidence of his scar is also in the accompanying images. His scar was also once covered by hair, but his rapidly receding hairline has revealed it as you see in the attached images. William’s implant was designed to trigger Kate’s lower cerebellum whenever within 7 feet of William. Whenever they are together, the device is triggered. The result was a constant triggering of Kate’s device whenever she was in Wiliams presence. The hope being she would never leave the William due to the constant triggering of the device. The crown has attempted to explain his scar as a result of an accident from his youth.

As a result of the leaks, the crown is now caught in yet another scandal, the likes it has not seen since Queen Elizabeth herpes scandal of the 1970’s. While they have down well in that cover up, it is well known with royal circles that the queen’s herpes are a result of her affair with Ringo Starr.

It has yet to be seen if the end result of this cover up will be successful, in the age of the internet it has been increasingly hard for the queen to control her press.  Also, the source from the health ministry revealed they are investigating if the effects of the device have resulted in Kate’s frail frame. This could be an unintended side effect, which could prevent Kate from bearing the next in the royal line.

It would appear the Queen’s best laid plans may backfire once again. The shadow of the tower of London looms once again…..

 

Randy Tharp

TharpSter is a husband to one woman, a father to two kids, a master to two dogs, an occasional cubical occupant, and unable to make up his mind on an adequate theme for this website.

3 thoughts on “The Royal Scar!

  1. Why is this under the humor section? Irregardless of my hours of mowing this over, this is not just another mute point the Grenade is eluding to. This is a serious problem that has plagued the British Monarchy since 871 AD when King Alfred the Great, became the first effective King of England. Only within the last 20 or so years has the monarchy been able to rely on this exceptional technology to continue their quixotism. I apologize if I have come across as cantankerous but this issue has long plagued me in pursuit of the all things resplendent (not the artificial sweetener).

  2. King Alfred was not so great. He was a wuss, and most likely the first one to introduce ugliness to the monarchy. Ever hear of Rey Feo?

    Your point’s been rendered mute.

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