Don’t Be Messin’ With My Green Tea

I’d like to address this specific dispatch to the good people at Lipton.

First of all, I’d like to thank you for responding to my beverage needs for the last five years or so. There was a time before 2006 when I would start off my day with 20 ounces of Diet Mountain Dew. Certainly the caffeine content of said drink was enough to give me a slight buzz through those days in cubeville as I sat there mastering the art of joins, case statements, and concatenation while living life as an SQL padawan. Even still, the citrus component of what I once called “Rocky Mountain Horse Piss” made me a frequent visitor to that one place where the rigid rules dictated by the man card require that I strongly adhere to “Urinal Etiquette”.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the process,Urinal Etiquette is the process by where two men, using urinals in a public restroom leave an empty, unoccupied urinal between them. Men should never stand immediately next to each other when relieving themselves publicly. Streams could cross, worlds could collide, and the offending participants could feel compelled to go watch reruns of “Sex in the city”.

Now where was I?

Oh right. Diet Mountain Dew has been known to give me a slight buzz and it makes me pee a lot.

At one point, the cafeteria at work started carrying Lipton Green Tea in a citrus flavor. Upon trying it, I likened it to the syrup found in fruit cocktail. Overall it wasn’t bad, however I found it a little thick. At the time, I was looking to reduce my intake of high fructose corn syrup. It turns out the new green tea I had tried had that stuff in it.

But then, I found the diet version in the same flavor. It had none of the fructose stuff. It didn’t have that thickness the leaded stuff had. It had just the right mixture of citrus elements in it to avoid overpowering my taste buds and my bladder.

It’s now become a stationary component of my life. If you see me planted in cubeville, or in a conference room without a Diet Citrus Lipton Green Tea in reach, then I’m probably pondering my next steps to obtain one.

Just to summarize; green tea is my crack, and I don’t cross streams in the restroom.

I’ve tried the same flavor in a few other brands, mind you. In each of those cases, it was obvious to me that Lipton’s competition hasn’t been able to use enough corporate espionage to find the formula that works. Just to be clear here, Lipton has it figured out.

This last Saturday, I participated in a springtime activity which has been a part of my life for the last ten years. Is it gardening or yard work, you may ask? No. It’s baseball. TharpSter Jr. has been playing every spring since 2001 when he was 7.

How does my son’s ability to put out a would-be base stealer on a throwdown from the plate have anything to do with green tea?

I know you’re asking that right now. You should know by now I’m all about the non-sequitur.

Technically, the two items are mutually exclusive.

After his game the other day, we stopped at the gas station to fill up the truck at approximately $3.79 a gallon. The CFO and the kids went inside to get drinks while I stayed outside at the pump, firmly grasping my ankles.

Bless their hearts as the gang remembered me when getting the drinks. Things were different this time though. The good people at Lipton had changed the shape of their bottle. The plastic seemed to be thicker or even stronger. This bad boy wouldn’t crush to the pressure of me twisting the lid off.

The curves were different too. The bottle took on a more hourglass type shape which resembled the sweet young thing who served us hot wings at Hooters last week.

Lipton appeared to have gotten a libidinous edge on the green tea front.

Who’s up for a quick history lesson?

If you’re still here, raise your hand. It appears I still have your attention.

A quarter of a century ago (I can’t believe it’s been that long), a brilliant marketing campaign was perpetrated on the soda guzzling public. At the time, mall goers across this great nation of ours were stopping at strategically placed folding tables to take the Pepsi Challenge. Suffice to say, Pepsi was kicking the collective butts of Coca-Cola in taste tests all over the place. Pepsi had the self proclaimed King of Pop on board, lighting his head on fire in order to express the virtues of soda being the choice of a new generation. Coca-Cola wanted their market share back.

You know what they did don’t you?

That’s right. They changed their formula, rebranded it as New Coke, and marketed the hell out of it. In return, what did the American drinking public get as a result?

That’s right.

Crappier tasting Coke.

“Bring back the real thing” type rallies cropped up in just enough places to make the local news broadcasts and raise a stink. Before we new it, the original recipe was rebranded as Classic Coca-Cola, New Coke seemed to have disappeared into the sunset, and we were all free to continue our carefree lives in the middle of Reaganomics.

So I told you that to tell you this.

The recipe of citrus flavored green tea which had been poured into that curvaceous bottle had been changed. I don’t know exactly what it was that was different. My guess was that more orange had made it’s way in there. It wasn’t the original flavor. It wasn’t my crack.

Now I could tell you how I knew it wasn’t the right stuff. I could liken it to the story about how bank tellers are trained to recognize counterfeit bills. I would expect you’re already familiar with that story, and I’m certainly not interested in publishing a rerun here on TharpSter.Org. Just know that I knew it wasn’t the right stuff.

So what am I going to do about it?

First of all, I’m going to write a smart ass blog about it and put it out on the worldwide web.

After that, I’m going to tag the article so that whenever innocent bystanders happen to google the term “Lipton Green Tea” or “naked chicks”, the smart ass blog will come up in the search results.

Beyond that, I’m going to sit here and just hope that the new tea featured in the new bottle was just Lipton’s uninspired and meager attempt to reinvent itself.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pee.

Randy Tharp

TharpSter is a husband to one woman, a father to two kids, a master to two dogs, an occasional cubical occupant, and unable to make up his mind on an adequate theme for this website.

12 thoughts on “Don’t Be Messin’ With My Green Tea

  1. I absolutely AGREE!!!!! I will continue to buy it by the casse at BJ’s, until I can no longer get the “old stuff”(I currently have 6 cases in the garage) then I will go back to Mountain Dew. Yes, I switched from Mountain Dew to Lipton DIET Green Tea. Also, why did they discontinue the mixed berry? That was as good or better than Citrus? Are you listening Lipton!!!!!

  2. AMEN this new stuff is crap!! STAY AWAY FROM THE NEW BOTTLE and just why in the heck didn’t this new bottle come with a warning label that it tasted like crap! As soon as I can no longer get the good stuff I guess I’ll find something else NOT MADE BY LIPTON.

  3. I thought they were making it better with a new formula but now it tastes just like the Kirkland Signature Green tea. I hate that tea. What were they thinking. I have been drinking that stuff by the gallon for the last 5 years. I haven’t been sick a day in my life since drinking it. Now I find myself being forced to drink flavored water until the day they bring back the original.

  4. I totally agree. Love Diet Green Tea. Hate NEW Diet Green Tea. It’s too sweet; it’s too thick; it’s just yucky.

  5. So glad to know I am not the only one pissed by this.
    I love the old bottle formula, my family and I drink WAY more of the stuff than I will admit to here.
    The new stuff is undrinkable swill as far as I am concerned. It is hard to beleive the same people even make both products.
    Bring back the old formula. I will not spend another dime on anything in the new bottle.

  6. I was so excited to see the new bottle, I bought it on my lunch called my husband so happy..and then i drank it..yuk what happened to my tea…now i won’t buy it..im depressed. Excited when i can find an old bottle. How do we get it back… 🙁

  7. I completely agree and I am VERY upset about this. I can stil buy my old bottle in the grocery store (if they are not sold out) but EVERY gas station around has been switched! I keep 5-6 cases on hand and I am scared we will one day nto be able to buy. Is there anything else that we can do?

  8. Thank god I have found my soul brothers and and sisters! I have been complaining about this for a few months. Why mess with perfection. So far the gallon jugs are the old formulas. Give us back our crack!!

  9. the good news is they are keeping both formulas. the bad news is the ones you buy individually are likley to be the new formula. if you call and complain, they will send you coupons for the other product.

  10. New stuff is painful. I had been able to buy the old stuff at my grocer in the gallon jugs, until this week. Now it’s the same old jug with the awful new taste. I’m done, I just don’t know where to go for a satisfying, non-caloric, non-soft drink,caffeine-free, tasty beverage. Any suggestions?

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