Step Off

Yesterday, you were relatively a good boy.

You kept your calorie count down. You put in your walking. While playing the bowling game on Wii Sports, you actually stood up and used your three step approach to roll virtual turkeys while wearing your own shoes instead of the communal size 10.

This morning, you got up and proceeded with your morning rituals. You combed the remnants of hair on that fleshy void between your forehead and brain stem, brushed your teeth, flossed a little, and pulled just enough of those pesky nostril hairs to catalyze a multi-sneezmastic seizure right there at the bathroom sink. At this point, you’re still a little punch drunk from the dream state you just exited which placed you not more than an hour ago in a meadow with some buxom, leggy, young thing running her fingers through your thick, wavy locks of hair.

Now, you’re obligated to stay awake and move along with your day. You live on the borderline of being obsessive compulsive, so you have to do everything in order. Since you’re smack dab in the middle of a ritual, you’ve got to climb on the scale to determine if Wii Sports make for a good substitute to some Under Armour wearing, muscle bound freak of a personal trainer demanding more crunches from you.

You activate the digital scale. Traditional scales aren’t cool enough. Technology rocks. You climb on, and try to hold still. The result comes back.

That’s right big boy. You got the big ‘E’. This means one of two things.

The first possibility is the biggest demotivator for anyone who has ever struggled with their weight or trying to lose it.

You’re too fat for the scale. That’s why it gives you that frantic message in the corner begging you to get off.

Naturally, you’re not too fat for the scale. It’s successfully weighed you before. Since you now know it’s not your weight which generated the big ‘E’, there’s only one other possibility for what’s wrong. Sadly the reason behind the error message is worse than being too heavy for this piece of 21st century equipment.

The reason for the big ‘E’, is because at the beginning of the day when you’re typically at your best, you can’t muster the physical ability or coordination to hold still for 15 seconds while a microchip determines whether you should lay off the Twinkies today or not.

If you can’t do that for 15 seconds in the morning, what makes you think the next 16 hours are going to be any better?

The TharpSter PounDown continues.

Randy Tharp

TharpSter is a husband to one woman, a father to two kids, a master to two dogs, an occasional cubical occupant, and unable to make up his mind on an adequate theme for this website.

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