SAN ANTONIO – A house in the suburbs on the northwest side of town nearly imploded in on itself last night according to the homeowner. Blame is being attributed to a viewing of The Other Guys, which was recently released to DVD.
“I honestly don’t understand why I rented the stupid thing in the first place,” lamented the homeowner, who requested to be referred to as Mr. Smith for this report. “The trailer didn’t appeal to me when the movie was in the theaters, why would I want to watch it at home?”
According to Smith, he and his dogs were the only ones in the living room watching the film when the incident occurred. “My wife was in the kitchen with her Christmas baking, my son was sawing away on his viola, and my daughter was in the back watching Glee.”
“Less than 30 minutes into the film, it became painfully obvious that I had made a tragic decision at Blockbuster the other day when I picked that one up. Not being one to be wasteful, I felt it was imperative to get my money’s worth out of the rental by soldiering through the rest of the film.”
“After watching another 30 minutes or so, a massive wave of depression and fatigue started to come over me. All the happiness in my world just seemed to have left and I just couldn’t get over the fact that the two hours I had set aside to watch this movie would be lost forever. The wooden gun, the Captain moonlighting at Bed Bath & Beyond, and the pathetic attempts at raunchy humor were just more than I could handle.”
It was at that point Mr. Smith claims that a vortex formed in the middle of his living room causing him to lose consciousness. With the gravitational pull of a black hole, light weight objects like remote controls, picture frames, and unopened coupon mailers were sucked into oblivion. As the size of the vortex increased, the couches along with their human and canine contents began to move in as well.
Disaster was averted in the most unusual of ways.
“I came back around at some point where Will Ferrell’s character told his on-screen wife (Eva Mendes) that he was going to do her ‘Grandpa style’. Who says that? Anyway, they then showed Mendes taking off her old lady disguise to reveal the various attributes she possesses which are highly appreciated by a shallow guy like me.”
“I saw that the life sucking vortex was blocking my view of the only viable reason I would ever bother to watch that movie again. Realizing the fact that I was watching that movie was not a mutually exclusive event from the presence of the vortex, I immediately grabbed the remote and stopped the DVD player. After all, I can see Eva Mendes on the internet anytime I want.”
With the DVD player disengaged, the vortex collapsed in on itself leaving a wake of the items it had sucked in. Mr. Smith and his dogs started feeling better immediately “This just drives it home further for me that Will Ferrell is the essence of hit and miss.”
Mr. Smith will be taking steps in the immediate future to avoid the appearance of more life sucking vortexes in his living room. “First of all, I’m not going to bother watching a movie where the trailer fails to get my attention. I’ll need to run a variety of different DVDs back through the player in order to redefine the good movies from the bad. I’ll start with some that have good character and plot development. I’ll then move on to the raunchy comedies, and then top it off with a little porn. That should set the paradigm within the living room of what the expectations of an acceptable DVD are. It will also create a firewall for those rare events where a bad one (DVD) makes its way into the mix.”
Mr. Smith claims to be feeling better now, and indicated he would be writing about the event on his blog. He will meet later this week with attorneys in order to consider bringing suit against the producers of the movie and Blockbuster.