On Going Green

“Please consider the environment before printing this document.”

 

In my day to day life as a mild mannered, yet sarcastic bidness analyst at the auxiliary office, that stupid, ill-informed statement flashes across the footer of the emailed litter which lands in my 8 x 8 fabric covered box several times a day.

 

That’s right people.  I’m a skeptic and a denier.

 

I don’t believe or subscribe to the premise that the activity of me and my fellow Earthlings is, has had, or will have a negative effect on this planet.

 

Furthermore, I’m of the belief that mankind is going to have to figure out how to limit the metabolic activity of termites, the flatulence of cattle, and the eruption of volcanoes if it truly wants to save the planet from the monsters under the bed. 

 

At the same time, mankind will need to get a clue on how to identify, predict, and control every air current, water current, weather system, and whatever other mechanism God has put in place on this planet to keep it habitable for all of the critters He created. 

 

I’m not interested in using less plastic, especially in my drinking bottles.  In fact I want more plastic in the bottles, and I’ll be more than happy to tell you why. 

 

As you can see in the picture, today’s new plastic bottles continue to be manufactured with plastic, just less of it.  As a result, these vessels have a thinner wall to retain my lovely beverage.  When I remove the lid for the first time, I hold the bottle tight and apply “lefty loosy”.  By doing so, I’m now applying pressure to the bottle that can not withstand my grip once the lid comes off. 

 

Let’s recap. 

 

I squeeze the bottle and loosen the lid.  That means the first ounce or so of whatever hooch I’m imbibing out of this Earth-friendly monstrosity is no longer in the bottle, or in my mouth.  It’s wasted instead. 

 

But wait.  It gets just a little better. 

 

When you drink out of these things, the noise the bottle makes as it collapses in on itself levels up there with fingernails on the chalkboard, Styrofoam, and the Hillary Clinton’s cackle

 

At the same time, the bottles are made to be smaller, yet the price hasn’t gone down.  That’s called Rope-A-Dope Inflation if you ask me.

 

It’s not just the stupid bottles though.

 

All of the efforts which have been thrown in our face over the years (more so in the last ten) to eat locally and seasonally, to recycle and reuse, and to even shed our freedoms in the spirit of reducing our carbon footprint have been inspired by nothing but a hoax.

 

Going green is nothing but a tool for those who would want to control you.  The mere fact that you drive a hybrid vehicle or use a compact fluorescent lamp (CFL) bulb, or are near paperless with your finances is not going to save the planet.  That applies to you alone and the worldwide collective of humanity on this planet today. 

 

The planet does not need to be saved.

 

Go back and read that last sentence again.  I’ll wait.

 

Don’t go green for the purpose of saving the environment.  The source of such reasoning has already been proven to have been falsified.

 

Instead, go green for reasons that can actually be backed up.  If you want to eat locally and seasonally, do so to keep the prices of your vittles down.  If you want to drive a hybrid, do it for the purpose of saving our fossil fuel resources.  If you want to go paperless with your bills and correspondence, do so for the purpose of keeping our landfills from loading up.  If you want to start using reusable, washable cups instead of disposable cups, do so because you’re limiting your expenses for years to come.  

 

If you want to use a CFL light bulb, do so because they last longer than the traditional incandescent light bulb.  Don’t do so because 545 people with way too much time on their hands succumbed to the junk science and took the steps in 2007 to ban the incandescent light bulb by 2014.  If the incoming Congress really wants to prove to the American people that they are worth their salt, they’ll repeal that stupid piece of legislation with the first drop of the gavel.  

 

“Please consider the environment before printing this document.”  

 

Exactly.

 

Printing this article will have no impact on your so-called carbon footprint or the environment.  All you have to do is laminate it, frame it, and hang it between your black velvet paintings of Jesus and Elvis.

 

  

 

 

 

Randy Tharp

TharpSter is a husband to one woman, a father to two kids, a master to two dogs, an occasional cubical occupant, and unable to make up his mind on an adequate theme for this website.

Type something witty and eye catching right here: