To: My Beloved Co-Workers
Date: October 4, 2010
RE: I’m back
That’s right people I’ve returned to the fabric covered land of Cubeville in favor of continued gainful employment. Between now and the last week of the year, you can count on seeing my hiney and the rest of me ensconced in dark solids and planted firmly in front of some strategically mapped out spreadsheet on one monitor, and the dreaded new version of Lotus Notes on the other. I’ve disabled the auto reply on my notes announcing that I’m out of office. I’ll change the outgoing message on my voicemail in a few minutes.
Did you miss me? Has Office Services provided my new battery operated desk fan yet?
Naturally, I expect a few of you to approach me on my return and ask the dreaded question: “Hey how was your vacation?”
To be absolutely honest, I hate that question. I came to the conclusion many years ago that there’s no creative answer I can give you. You should know by now that short of the two weeks I took this last March (part of which was building a nasty ear infection on Pike’s Peak), that I don’t do anything on my extended time off. That’s why I call them ‘Staycations’ instead.
However if you must know, I’ll give you a rundown of what I did.
First of all, I trimmed the hedge and mowed the lawn. My lawnmower hasn’t worked correctly all season so I borrowed my brother—in-law’s. No worries on that one though. His wasn’t working that well last year, so he borrowed mine all last summer. We’ve come to the conclusion that among the CFO’s siblings and her mother, it’s rare that all five households ever have a properly working lawnmower at any given time.
According to the app I’m using to aid in the TharpSter PounDown event, I burned 549 calories in an effort to remove the façade of ‘Redneck Chic’ from the compound. For those of you playing the home game, I’m down about twelve from the point in August when the surgeon gave me a shot of whiskey and a bullet to bite on while he took the machete-like scalpel to that thing on my chest (pictures available on request). The cyst, by the way, is clearing up nicely and the hair is starting to grow back.
Doing the lawn wasn’t the only thing I did though. I also fixed the door into the garage.
It would seem sometime this last spring, the TharpSter TreadMill let her psychotic separation anxiety copulate with her irrational fear of rain and thunder in order to put a laser like focus on tearing up one of my own doors. Just a matter of days before, the door knob on said door had been rendered useless. Yeah, it was me. I broke it. It’s a long story that’s not very blog-worthy.
None the less, I had removed the knob with the intention of replacing it. In the midst of the TharpSter tragic flaw known as my procrastination, the compound was beset with rain and thunder sufficient enough to throw the Lab-Jack into a froth filled tizzy large enough to make Cesar Millan give up his calm assertive behavior in favor of a good choke chain.
When all was said and done, Faith had torn up the existing hole in the door in an effort to find some semblance of refuge in the garage. The dog is definitely about the latter half of fight or flight when it comes to the rain.
Several weekends, many months, and two vacations later, the TharpSter Dad appeared in town on vacation from his duties at the western branch and made a suggestion or two about the door involving copious amounts of wood putty. I’m sure the likes of Hank Hill and Norm Abrams wouldn’t be very proud for what we did, however the door now has a functioning handle on it. I’ll eventually get around to painting it.
While we’re somewhat on the subject of the dogs, I’m glad to announce that our Pit Bull Hope will finish her basic obedience training next week, provided she doesn’t break wind during her loose leash walking exam. It’s amazing what that dog will do for a small piece of hot dog or cheese. We’re quite proud and will probably look to continue her training.
Speaking of flatulence, we’re still looking for a place here at the compound to put the fan which I had to unceremoniously remove from my cubicle at the auxiliary office.
So those are probably the most productive activities I participated in this last week. In the same time period, two of you fellow cubicle dwellers now grace my friends listing on Facebook. I attended two baseball games where my son’s team won by ten-run rule. Fall ball this season should be a good one. I watched some DVDs on the new 42”; including The Runaways (good), Crazy on the Outside (predictable and boring), and an unaired episode of Family Guy which serves to trample both sides of the abortion debate (hilarious).
In order to expedite the loss of my hearing, I’ve added some tunes to my library which help keep me rocking. The entire new Linkin Park offering (A Thousand Suns) is pretty good, as well as the song Born Free by Kid Rock. Check them out.
Out in the blog world, I banged out three articles which touched on my impending vacation, my colorful assault on the 9/11 truther movement, and an update on the activities of our Pit Bull. In addition, I’ve started what promises to be a spirited discussion over the premise of progressive taxation. My prediction is that the blogger will become so infuriated with my persistence that he’ll either delete my commentary or moderate them into oblivion in the same manner I kill off stupid comments which land here.
Yes. I’m back from a week of staycation. The term alone should tell you that I completed a whole lotta nada.
Aren’t you glad you asked?