TO: My beloved co-workers at the Auxiliary Office.
DATE: September 24, 2010
RE: TharpSter Out of Office
I will be out of office next week (09/27 – 10/01). Unless my lottery investments pay off which subsequently inspire me to “Call in rich”, I will be back on Monday, 10/04.
In my absence, I will be working with laser like focus to maintain copious levels of Unga-Bunga with the CFO. In those rare instances which take place pre or even post Unga-Bunga that I have some down time, I will be out on the web whoring my blog in the most creative of manners. Most namely, such practice will be carried out by calling shenanigans and/or bullshit on all of the assorted idiocy, dip-shittery, and doosh-baggery that takes place in the news, pop-culture, politics, and other less deserving attention getters. Speaking of whoring, if you should be interested in my old TV or DVD player, you can find them on Craigslist.
In addition to my stated objectives, I will also be watching some stuff on the new 42” TV. I intend to go find the films which have graphic violence, nudity, and mathematics (any combination thereof should be fine) and run them through the DVD player in order to find the stuff I’ve been missing all along. As long as it’s not a shot of Gary Cole’s man junk, things should be fine.
Please take note that I did not indicate any work on the house would take place this time around. At best, I will buy a replacement set of ugly-ass venetian blinds for the front window. Said blinds will keep me from taking pictures of the toilet across the street.
As you can tell from the fabric covered box in which I plant my corpulent tuckus every day, I have removed the desk fan. Although this Underwriters Laboratories listed gem has provided me marvelous cover during the last five years whenever I’ve intentionally or inadvertently crop dusted my cubicle, the powers that be (Office Services) have deemed it to be an unsafe device.
I’ve got two big ass monitors just beyond arms length from my pie hole and a pc tower on the ground to my left. Don’t forget the laser in the mouse. The culmination of these items operating all at the same time will most likely render me sterile before I can collect my gold watch from this company, and they’re worried about a fan that is used to keep me cool and dissipate my flatulence.
Even more ironic is the fact that they are more than happy to provide me with a battery powered device to replace my current evil one. I just received the message today that the replacement fan is on back order. “Hey TharpSter. Get rid of your fan. We’ll give you a new one. Eventually.”
The banished fan will take up a station at the TharpSter.Org compound, where it will be used in conjunction with blaming flatulence on the dogs.
Beyond that, please take heart in the fact that I probably won’t miss you a whole lot in my absence. Don’t get offended by that though. How often do you miss me when you’re gone?
By the way. The banana bread that I brought in the other day for the entire team may have been spiked with any one of the following: strychnine, nutmeg, Tums, or saltpeter.