Thomas Edison would be proud.
On September 4, 1882, when the first commercial power station began providing electrical power to customers within a square mile of its Pearl street location in Manhattan, who would have ever thought the use of electricity would revolutionize the way we live our lives? Nearly 130 years later, life continues to get a little easier day by day as the laborious fruits borne of this century and the last continue to streamline more and more aspects of our lives. To boil it all down, the key to simplifying our lives has come to a matter of application. All of the items we’ve invented over the years to harness the power of electricity in order to perform a specific task serve as evidence of successful application.
But enough of that crap. You know of the benefits and liberation that electricity has provided to us, and I do too. I don’t think we need to extol the virtues of Reddy Kilowatt here, even though his disappearance coincides with the rise in popularity of the environmental crisis mongers. The very power that Reddy embodied represents a very big reason why you’re ensconcing yourself in my comma splices, run-on sentences, and other devices of verbal brilliance. As such, I should dedicate an entire blog to the guy, but just the mere mention of him will get me some hits on a random Google search.
Recently here at TharpSter.Org, the majority shareholders have upgraded their cell phones. Previous phones had all of the components and features of an empty soup can, some 20 lb. test line, and some names and numbers written on the white and red label in a medium point Sharpee. The organization now sports an iPhone and a Motorola Backflip. Acclimating ourselves to these phones over the last few weeks has fired off a whole plethora of ideas for how the practical use and application of these phones can make our lives even easier than they were out on the prairie over a hundred years ago. With that, I give you a suite of apps which can be made available for these phones and others. Patents are pending. I hope you enjoy.
iThrow – Are you afraid that you throw like a girl? If you’re like the paper baseball fan that our President is, then you need some help. iThrow is just for you. Designed to build arm strength and accuracy to get that ball completely over the plate from a pitching rubber mounted 60 feet away, this app is quite easy to use. Just activate the app, and huck your phone as far as you can. GPS and gyroscopic sensors in your phone will do the rest in order to determine whether you held your arm correctly, the position of release, and the distance in which you threw it. This application will work best when the phone is taken out of its protective case. Since capitalism and the free market reigns supreme here at TharpSter.Org, the app will price at $9.99, and be good for 5 throws. You’ll be burning them across the plate in no time.
iPick – Admit it. You and everyone else, at one time or another in your life have picked your nose. Whether it’s a matter of a compulsive habit or necessity, some of the stuff up in there just doesn’t come out with the simple blow or a wipe from a tissue. If God didn’t want you to do it, then why did He make your fingers just the right size to get up in there at least to the first knuckle? With divine inspiration in hand, the iPick app will provide an alternative. Activate this app and you’ll be given a selection of different noses to grace the screen of your smart phone. Select the settings button in order to choose whether you’re picking at unsightly hairs, one of those painful nostril zits, or even the primary reason why noses get picked. From there, pick away to your heart’s content. The companion version, iScab, is scheduled for release later this year.
iScale – How’s that P90X program working out for you? Can you not get enough of The Biggest Loser? Is that treadmill you bought for yourself for Christmas last year nothing but a glorified clothing hanger? There are times when you’re out and about when you just have to know your weight. If so, iScale may be the app for you. Activate this application and you have an instant set of scales in the palm of your hand. Much like iThrow, this app uses gyroscopic sensors in your phone to provide your weight down to the very ounce. Just remove the protective case, lay the phone on a flat surface and jump right on. This application will run you $9.99, and is good for the life of the phone.
iBite – Quick! Tell me what that per square inch bite strength of your poodle is! Does your Jack Russell Terrier have the choppers to bite through that smoked pig ear you just bought him at the feed store? What about that German Sheppard that bit your brother on the leg when he was delivering newspapers? Was the bite really strong enough to break a bone, or was the drama queen pining for sympathy? Your phone can now pass this pertinent information on to you in a matter of seconds with the iBite app. Just activate the app and rub some raw meat over the screen of your phone. Give it to the dog, and you will receive near instant results as to exactly how strong Fluffy’s jaw is. Given the coding intricacies of this application, it will run $9.99 per use, and is warranted for the life of the phone.
iPecac – The iPecac app is probably the most medically necessary application you’ll ever need for your phone. If it hasn’t happened to you before, don’t count on the need never presenting itself for you to vomit. Maybe you’ve eaten some raw pork, or bad clams. Aside from the colonic distress that such a happenstance could create, you could be looking at some major problems leading up to your expedited assumption of room temperature. Add to that the fact that the only way to mitigate the effects of your choice to eat “Pollo Tar-Tar” is to expel the contents of your value meal in as expeditious a manner as possible. That’s where iPecac comes in to play. Remove the phone from its case, activate the iPecac app, and shove the phone down your throat as quickly as possible. You’ll be back up and at ‘em in a matter of minutes after the contents of your gastronomical satiety have been properly dispersed and disseminated on the ground before you. Who wants chowder?
Be sure to look for these and other TharpSter Apps for your phone very soon.