Another Selling Point For Man’s Best Friend

With the latest terrorist attack on a Detroit bound plane a few days ago, it was only inevitable that a few governmental agencies would throw in their own two cents by further restricting the ability of innocent travelers around the world to get through an airport without having every ounce of their corpulence analyzed by a wide variety of technological wonders which fall at the immediate disposal of those who work to keep our flight as safe as possible.

Please take immediate note that I referred to the event as a “terrorist attack” and not a “potential terrorist attack”, or a “man made disaster”, or even a “potential man made disaster”.  The young man who lined his undies and the inner walls of his poop shoot (I’m trying to keep it as clinical as possible) with the necessary chemicals to cause an explosion to blow the plane out of the sky in the name of jihad far surpassed “potential” when he buckled in and made sure his tray was secured and his seat was in the upright position.  On a side note, why would this poor misguided soul blow up his privates if he was on his way to martyrdom and 72 virgins?

I digress.

Let’s get back to the new restrictions, shall we?  I’m not going to go into what they are.  For that matter, I’m not going into a great deal about what steps the authorities will use to screen airline passengers.  I’ve read an article or two (actually I just perused a headline) about how some airports around the country are going to integrate the use of full body scanners which would be able to detect the kind of things which should have been caught the other day *before* the plane took off.  The scanners in question will carry a price tag of about $170K each.

It’s that price tag, ladies and gentlemen, that I would like to address.  Naturally, the first reaction to anyone is that the price tag is worth it if the scanners will effectively detect the terrorists who wander into the airport and make it past the baggage check.  The problem is that as strapped for real, unprinted cash this country seems to be, it would seem that we could get the job done more effectively for the tax payer than what’s been suggested.

Don’t get me wrong though.  Technology is a wonderful thing.  The problem is that the human race has proven time and time again that technology is only as good as the person who is using it.  With that in mind, I would like to suggest a different layer of security which will prove to be more effective in identifying Al Qaeda flavored Underoos.  That’s right people.  I’m talking about crotch sniffing dogs.

As a society, we already use dogs for a wide variety of jobs that make our life easier.  Law enforcement and the military use them.  They serve to provide sight for the blind and hearing for the deaf.  They help those who are physically challenged.  For that matter, what dog hasn’t taken the blame for the flatulence of a human in a crowded room?

We already have bomb and drug sniffing dogs.  Consider this.  A crotch sniffing dog doesn’t have to be taught to sniff a crotch.  The only thing Fido would have to do is to be himself and shove his nose in the goodies of airline travelers at Security Checkpoint A.  If he hits on a smell that just shouldn’t be there, the passenger is then moved on to Security Checkpoint B where a highly trained member of an elite force of proctologists who possesses freakishly large hands would continue the screening.

Naturally, there are those who will complain about how the privacy of the traveler is being exploited and compromised.  There’s bound to be a loss of dignity as well.  The thing to consider is that as absurd as the idea sounds, consider some of the rules we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.  Back then, friends and family of air travelers could go all the way to the gate to see their loved ones off.  Young children could watch the planes take off and land from that same area.  Even more, no one had to take their shoes off in the process.  There were lockers in which to put your stuff.  You could take food and drink from outside past the security check point.  Nowadays, passengers will submit themselves to the strictest of rules without even questioning the common sense of it all.

Sure, the idea of a crotch sniffing dog stationed at an airport sounds completely absurd and ridiculous.  At the same time, is there anyone out there who cannot see such a practice actually being put into place?

Randy Tharp

TharpSter is a husband to one woman, a father to two kids, a master to two dogs, an occasional cubical occupant, and unable to make up his mind on an adequate theme for this website.

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