Whereas I’ve always considered the little nuggets of opinionated knowledge that I upload to the internet for the entire world to absorb to be of service for the greater good, I’m not sure all of the enlightened souls who have graced this site with their presence have consistently held the same point of view. None the less, I want to take this moment out of your life and mine to broadcast a public service announcement which should be considered with the utmost importance.
Before I do so, I should let you know about my as of yet undisclosed super power. Ask anyone what type of super power they either have or would like to obtain, and I can guarantee you a wide variety of answers. Naturally, there are the generic ones such as flight and speed. For those whose bloodstreams rage with hormones, don’t forget x-ray vision or the ability to become invisible around girls locker rooms or gentlemen’s clubs. Some even get more creative with the ability to see flatulence.
Granted all of those super powers are pretty cool, and I wouldn’t complain about having any of those skills, short of the last one. For me, I’ve discovered that I have the innate ability to find irony in just about anything.
I know. It’s pretty creepy.
I first discovered this power in January of 1993. Shortly after the inauguration of Bill Clinton, he opened up the White House as a gesture to the American people that it was the people’s house, not just his. During this event, C-Span aired the new President standing in a reception line as he met and shook hands with those who took the opportunity to see the White House. Naturally, the crowd of people who had gathered to attend the reception far exceeded the number of people who were expected. Once this was realized by the powers that be, Boss Hillary pulled a few people aside to discuss the new administration’s first crisis. Unbeknownst to her, the First Lady had an open microphone on her when she let loose the statement which pretty much summarized the evening, as well as what I saw would be the theme for the next eight years. “Look. We’re screwing these people.”
As the years progressed, I honed my new found power to find irony where it couldn’t possibly be present. I even found it one year in a jury box where the good people of Bexar County had decided it was my turn to participate in my civic duty. How often does one ever get to serve on a jury where the last name of the defendant in an assault and battery case is Slaughter? I can assure you that the weight of the moment was not lost on yours truly.
Now that I’ve painted the appropriate picture for you, allow me to move forward with my public service announcement. Sadly, this announcement comes from the people at Under Armour. According to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, at least five out of 211,000 pieces of sporting equipment have been reported to crack or break upon being hit. Such events have subsequently caused cuts and bruises. Further review of the specifications on these items indicate they were made in China. This is especially sad, as the less than desirable labor practices and human rights abuses of the Chinese could very well spell uncertain punishment for the individual who assembled the defective product. My only real criticism of the manufacturer in this case is that the recall should have taken place after the first report, instead of waiting for four more.
Now you may be wondering how the TharpSter’s aimless babbling about a product recall has anything to do with his super power of seeing irony. Set your doubts aside, my dear reader. The attached picture reporting a recall of Under Armour Athletic Cups was taken at Dick’s Sporting Goods.
Sometimes, you just can’t make this stuff up.