White House to open new investigation

WASHINGTON D.C. – In an ongoing effort to maintain full transparency to the American public, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced late Friday that the White House has ordered an investigation into whether the White House itself has been infiltrated by Decepticons.

“The investigation will cover the entire White House and its grounds” stated Gibbs.  “This will include all official and residential areas, with a special focus on items with which the President has day to day contact.  Given what we know about the Decepticons, all machinery and electronic equipment will be thoroughly analyzed in order to eliminate any potential threat which may be present.”

Asked as to what event within the White House initiated the inquiry, Gibbs declined to comment on any further details of the ongoing investigation.

Decepticons are malevolent robots which have the capability to transform into a variety of forms of machinery such as aircraft, ground vehicles, and even hand held devices such as cell phones.  Their leader Megatron has been known to transform into a fighter jet, and a variety of weaponry.  Decepticons are difficult to detect unless they are in their robotic state.  In their untransformed robotic form, Decepticons can be recognized by their red eyes.

There are currently two theories cited by sources close to the administration which explain how the potential infiltration occurred.  The theory in which the administration wants to put strong emphasis involves the gift of a radio to Robert Gibbs on March 5th of this year by Ann Compton of ABC News as an emissary of WMAL AM 630 radio in Washington D.C.  The radio was given at the request of conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh when it was learned that Gibbs did not have a radio in his office.  Limbaugh, who stated publically earlier this year that he wants the President to fail, has been the most vocal critic of the Obama administration.  Limbaugh was unavailable for comment.

According to a source close to the investigation within the White House who would only comment on the conditions of anonymity, there are those inside the White House who would relish the thought of silencing the talk show host as an enemy of state instead of trying to reinstate the fairness doctrine.  More unfortunate for the White House, the unnamed official admitted the Limbaugh theory to be without sufficient evidence to even consider with any seriousness.  “To flesh that one out would be a political witch hunt.  It’s the other theory we need to really worry about.”

The other working theory behind the infiltration is less popular with the administration, and could present yet another problem for the new President to handle.  Given the Decepticons’ ability to transform into virtually anything, administration officials are working with the possibility with the daily contact items which the President handles on a regular basis.  The two items receiving the strongest scrutiny right now are the President’s Blackberry cell phone and his teleprompter.  The Presidents phone is analyzed daily for any breach of security.  Strong security measures regarding the phone were put into place once the President was elected.   With Obama’s cell phone out of consideration, the primary suspect is his teleprompter.

“It’s my opinion that if there’s any type of infiltration, the teleprompter should be the primary target of the investigation” said the unnamed White House official.  “It was brought in by the Obama people upon his inauguration.  It was not previously property of the White House prior to last January.”

A review was conducted of the financial records of the Obama Presidential Campaign in order to ascertain the source of the teleprompter.  “Its origin is just short of enigmatic” stated a former campaign worker.  “We originally bought three of them, however all three are still in the box and were never used during the campaign.  The same teleprompter became then candidate Obama’s favorite one to use.  It went wherever he (Obama) went.  I guess the President chose to keep using it while in office.”

The teleprompter theory so far has proven to be a more viable in regards to the infiltration.  Throughout his candidacy and his time in office, President Obama has shown extraordinary dependence on the device.  It’s been used to provide statistics to the President during his press conferences.  Obama has also used the device on occasions when the teleprompter wasn’t necessary, most recently at the White House St. Patrick’s Day celebration.  During that event, a speech intended for Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen appeared on the teleprompter when Obama was reading from it.  The President didn’t realize the speech wasn’t his until he read aloud the portion of the speech in which he thanked himself for the party.

The implication of a Decepticon disguised as the President’s teleprompter presents a broader case for concern.  A typical malevolent organization would seek out the destruction of this country using violent or deadly means to achieve its goals. The teleprompter is out of the ordinary, as the Decepticons are using a popular new President to initiate wide spreading changes to virtually every facet of life in America as we currently know it.

When asked what would be done if the investigation revealed an infiltration of the White House, Gibbs indicated the Obama administration would begin immediate negotiations with the Decepticons.  Gibbs did not indicate whether actions would be taken or even considered as to whether the infiltration would immediately be removed.  “If it is something like the teleprompter,” Gibbs added “we like what it’s doing and have no additional plans to remove it at this time.”

Randy Tharp

TharpSter is a husband to one woman, a father to two kids, a master to two dogs, an occasional cubical occupant, and unable to make up his mind on an adequate theme for this website.

One thought on “White House to open new investigation

  1. Why is the White house not investigating CYBER CRIMINALITY? Is this not a real issue? When did criminals start getting a free pass because their crimes originate online?

    I keep hearing about a Cyber Czar but for the past NINE YEARS, Shay Riley of the “Black Female Interracial Marriage Blog” has viciously and malevolently wiretapped my phones, activated my microphones as a listening device and illegally and viciously followed my from site to site using Trojans to monitor my life.

    To date, what has happened to this scum bag money whore and her criminal enterprise? N O THING!!

    The White House should investigate crime, our economy is further ruined by allowing online THUGS to run around scurring like wet rats online, uninvestigated, unprosecuted–FREE!!

    An outrage!

Type something witty and eye catching right here: